How to help someone who hoards

This blog is for friends, partners or family members who want to support someone who is hoarding (Or as I like to call it, “Chronically disoraganised”).

If someone you care about is hoarding, you may be unsure about how to support them. Talking to them about it may seem daunting, especially if the person does not agree they are hoarding. Perhaps you have already tried to help but they are not ready to accept help yet? This can feel really frustrating and disappointing as you try to desperately “fix” the issue.

Don’t panic, there are plenty of small things you can do to try and help someone who is hoarding. Below are some suggestions for ways you can support them while also looking after your own mental health.

1. Do not organise forced clean - ups

When supporting someone who is hoarding, it is natural to want to help them clean everything up. You might see this as a really helpful thing to do. However, this is unlikely to help them long term and could even make things worse. Removing the clutter does just that, it does not work towards dealing with why the clutter is there in the first place.

I suggest never springing a forced clean up on someone, or arranging people to come in and help without the person's permission. When I field decluttering enquiries on behalf of someone I always ensure the person is aware and happy for me to visit, and understands how I may help. I never help declutter and tidy against someone’s wishes.

2. Use respectful language

Don't ever talk about their possessions as 'junk' or 'rubbish'. You may never understand their connection to the item and why they want to keep it, but this does not mean the items are rubbish. Speaking about their items like this may cause them to shut down and be less likely to open up to you.

3. Listen to what they want

Ask the person close to you what they think will be helpful. What do they really need from you? This gives them more control over the situation and shows you care about what they need. For example, they might need someone to sit with them while they sort things or for you to help take donations to charity shops. The goal is not to create a perfectly organised and decluttered home. You don’t need to focus on a minimalist total clean-up approach.

4. Think carefully about gifts

Think carefully about gifts. It may be unhelpful to replace things they have with new items. If you want to give a gift, try thinking of alternatives like going for a meal or an activity. Try to be understanding if they choose not to keep something you've given them.

5. Don't pressure them to show you their space

It’s highly likely your loved one won’t like unannounced visitors or letting people in when things are bit out of order. It's important not to take it personally if you are not invited into their home. Remember to let them know you are there for them, and you care. Spend time elsewhere like going for a walk, or out for dinner. They will know you are there to support them when they are ready.

6. Respect their decisions.

We all have an attachment to the possessions in our home. We are all different and you may not understand why some things are important to others. But try to remember that the items they hoard feel important to them – even if they don't seem valuable to you. It's understandable to want to help them improve things, but don't try to take charge and move or get rid of things without permission and don’t declutter and organise immediately.

8. Try to be patient.

Once someone accepts help with hoarding, it can still take a long time before they're ready to make changes. Unless there is urgency, remember that it does not need to be solved all at once and the best approach is to work through slowly. Decluttering is never a simple process and you should be prepared to wait weeks or even months for final decisions on letting items go. Don't try to persuade, trick or force someone into cleaning up or throwing things away. This won’t help them change in the long-term and could make them withdraw from you.

9. Help them celebrate successes.

Try celebrating after they clear a small area. They might feel very anxious about the larger task at hand, so it could help if you encourage them to notice achievements. You could also remind them to take things one step at a time.

10. Resources that can help

• Mental Health Foundation - Support Groups

• Psychology Today NZ - Hoarding Disorder (Find therapists that are able to help with chronic disorganisation/hoarding)

• Aged Concern - Help to support elderly hoarders

Most importantly, just remember to treat everyone how you would want to be treated. Remember that patience is key when dealing with challenging situations.To read about my services, click here.